We always love a good Beagle joke. If you have one that we need to hear please use the contact form to send it to us and we will add it to the list. Here is what we have so far.
- A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.” A short time afterward, a beagle trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the beagle and was surprised, to say the least. However, the beagle looked determined, so the office manager led him into the office. Inside, the beagle jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The beagle jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The beagle jumped down again and went to the computer. He proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.” The beagle jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the words “Equal Opportunity Employer.” The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.” The beagle looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow.”
- A butcher is in his shop, and he’s real busy, but he looks up and notices a beagle in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices that the beagle is back again. So he goes over to him and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please? The dog has money in his mouth, as well.” The butcher looks, and, lo and behold, there’s a ten pound note there.
So the butcher takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing the in the beagle’s mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and, since it’s close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up, and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the light to turn. It does, and the beagle walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The beagle then comes to a bus stop and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The beagle checks out the schedule and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The beagle walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the beagle goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right one, and climbs on the bus. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.
Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the beagle turns toward a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself Whap! against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door, and Whap!—throws himself against it again. There’s no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door and starts laying into the dog, kicking him, punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing?” he cries. “That dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven’s sake!” But the beagle’s owner responds, “Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week that he’s forgotten his key.” - How to Photograph a Beagle Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from beagle puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from his muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from his mouth.
7. Place beagle puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on hands and knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from beagle puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy “sit/stand” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.
20. Consider buying older, trained beagle.
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